Wisdom From Others: Thoughts on Marriage

A few months ago I spent some time over at resolved2worship. I was immensely encouraged and challenged by this blog... reading about Alyssa and her husband's real-life love story here. [Warning- it's LONG- as in 12-parts-plus-some long, but oh so wonderful!]

The story speaks of trust, fear of man, parenting, faith, communication, believing lies, hearing from God, keeping Christ at the center, God's love, and ultimately His redemption and sovereignty. It includes lots and lots of pain, but also so much beauty in the restoration that Jesus brings to their family [they have 8 adorable kiddos, by the way].

So after reading the story in its entirety, I wanted to share some of the wisdom about marriage, relationships, and life that I took away from it [all that follows is written by Alyssa from resolved2worship.]

_________

The number one purpose of marriage is to conform us into the image of Christ.

What is the image of Christ? I think it can best be summed up in three words: unconditional love, mercy, and grace.

So the questions are. . .

- "How would you ever learn unconditional love if you married someone who met all of your "conditions?"

- "How would you ever learn mercy if you were married to someone who never sinned against you?"

- "How would you ever learn grace if you were married to someone who was always deserving of all good things?"

Because God's greatest desire for a couple, and in marriage, is not compatibility or like-mindedness or perfect one-ness. His greatest desire is that we be conformed to the image of Christ. We are conformed to His image not by living with a perfectly compatible, unfailing, deserving mate. We are conformed to His image by being married to an incompatible, failing, undeserving mate.

_________

It is really okay if your heart gets involved and then God sends red flags and tells you to turn around, or cut it off. It might be very hard, and it might be painful. God tells us there could be heart break in relationships. So trying to avoid heart break in a [relationship] can be trying to play God.

God's Word says trials build us. If you go through a difficult, heart breaking relationship, that is God's love for you. Let it take you to the cross, grow you up and prepare you for the relationship that does end in marriage.

_________

You want a guy who pulls you closer to Jesus, not a guy who just pulls out the flesh in you. Ask yourself when you're with a guy, "Do I grow in my walk with God when I'm with him, or is it all just fleshly attraction? Does this guy pull Christ out of me, or pull out my flesh?

_________

The best preparation for marriage? The best "system?"

Real and deep communion with Jesus Christ that penetrates past all externals - a relationship with Him that is greater than any fluffy methods promising less broken hearts and more physical "purity." If you are in real communion with Jesus Christ, it's a relationship that cuts deep to the heart, where true purity either is, or isn't.

Thoughts on Theology

So this summer I've been doing a lot of writing over at The Things That Make Us Tick. And it's been pretty great. But sometimes I just need a place to share more personal stuff, stuff that doesn't necessarily have to do with EDGE Corps or the Navigators or support raising, or any of that.

Lately God has been working on my theology. Which is a tricky thing to do with a girl who has a past aversion to theology, doctrine, and the like, mainly due to the fact that these things are so often linked with debate and arguments... and ultimately competition (another one of those things that this girl has an aversion to).

But theology doesn't have to be linked with those things, because really, all it is is the study of the nature of God.

And I guess as far as recording here for you all how God has been changing my theology, I don't really have the words. I just know that it's been good and difficult all at the same time. And that as He's doing it I'm getting closer to knowing who He truly is, getting closer to the truth.

So I'm going to leave you all with this to listen to if you'd like... some teachings about decision-making and the will of God that I have really been digging. Careful, they might mess with your theology. ;)

Far Better Things Ahead

Twenty-two.

It's such an even number. Nice, even. Hmm.... I think I can stand it for 364 1/2 more days. :)



I started my current journal exactly one year ago today. And as I look through it I remember. The learning, the growing, the laughing, the crying. I remember when I thought the pain would never end, I remember when I wanted to jump over the moon for joy. I remember thinking life shouldn't be this hard, I remember thinking how could life possibly be this beautiful? I remember loving so much it hurt, crying so hard I could scarcely breathe, smiling so big and long that I thought my cheeks would give out. I remember laughing til I cried, being speechless but never having enough words, going numb then feeling so big when the walls came down. I remember God bringing me to my knees in awe of Him, stopping me in my tracks with truth, and being relentless in His love for me. I remember seeing my story clearly for the first time, seeing my sin and my shame, and then seeing my beautiful savior who washes it all away. I remember passions being stirred in my soul that are still being stirred. And as I look back on this last year of my life, I remember all that God has given me, taken me through, and blessed me with. And I look forward to all that He has for me in this next year of life. And in another 364 1/2 days I will get to look back with thankfulness in my heart.

Lord, this year let me...

Of Godly womanhood.
Of the guitar.
Of culinary arts.
Of freelance design.



of the Word frequently.
of spiritually edifying books.
of novels and fiction.
of books of interest like No Stones and Boundaries.
of blogs that inspire and encourage.



of my living space.
of designs to help others.
of the book(s) I've been dreaming of.
of my own notebooks.
of art outside my safety zone.
of honest, thoughtful blog posts.



to the cities to visit the sisters.
to friday chapel at north central.
to colorado (EDGE summit and family vaca).
to a different state on a road trip.
to my hometown.
to IHOP.
roller skating.
running.



who takes trips to quiet places to journal, reflect and pray.
who remains intentional with time.
who is willing to say no, but unafraid to say yes when called to.
who loves and feels deeply.



by committing to seeing dear ones regularly.
by staying active in my church.
by listening over speaking.
by praying for my friends weekly.
by praying for my future husband.



through memorizing Scripture.
through regular, committed tithing to my church.
through specific, weekly times set aside for prayer.
through giving of time, talents and things as opportunities arise.

Live brave, not safe

So I'm not super into sports movies. Or Brad Pitt movies. But it just so happened that the other day I found myself watching a movie about baseball with Pitt as the main actor- Moneyball. And although it isn't my new favorite movie, there were some definite morals to be taken away from it. The line that really struck me was spoken to Pitt's character in relation to the idea of being the first one to try something new.

"The first one through the wall always gets bloody."

The guy who said this was making a connection between Pitt's character drafting baseball teams using math and numbers, which was a new idea for the time, and a fight. The first guy through the wall is going to get bloody, but he is also paving the way for people to come after him. Someone has to go first. That's just the way it is.

Someone has to go first for everything. And often God is calling us to be that person. To be the first to heal, the first to obey. We might be called to go first in our families or our circles of friends in living out who God created us to be. Going first is hard. It hurts. It's painful and lonely and sometimes feels hopeless. But going first is important. It paves the way for people to follow suit. It allows others to step out and do what they wouldn't have done, be who they wouldn't have been, if not for your going first.

I Will Choose.

Today I was journaling and thought of how often I choose NOT to live in the power of the Holy Spirit. So often I choose weakness, fear, hate, and sin over Jesus. But I have the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead inside of me. I have that same power. I don't have to live in slavery to my flesh and the things of this world. I can live in the power of the Holy Spirit, or in the weakness and darkness of my flesh. I have a choice. 

Jesus, today I choose to live in the power of your Holy Spirit. 

I will choose...

love over contempt

peace over fear

forgiveness over judgement

truth over lies

surrender over control

purpose over apathy

faith over doubt

selflessness over selfishness

dialogue over monologue

God-pleasing over people-pleasing

trust over mistrust

praise over complaints

self-love over self-pity

your will over my will

belief over unbelief

changed heart over behavior modification

wisdom over foolishness

contentment over jealousy

victory over defeat

honesty over denial

boldness over trembling

doing over hearing

obedience over disobedience

clarity over confusion

patience over impatience

joy over despair

self-control over self-indulgence

righteousness over unrighteousness

freedom over slavery

relationship over religion

real over fake

purity over impurity

repentance over stubbornness

vulnerability over self-protection

gentleness over harshness

thanksgiving over discontentment

encouragement over gossip

people over things

feeling over numbness

your opinion over others' opinions

passion over laziness

depth over surface

acceptance over cynicism

humility over pride

discernment over uncertainty

strength over powerlessness

grace over legalism

dependence on you over dependence on others or myself

serving over competition

holiness over ungodliness

serenity over stress

growth over staleness

redemption over condemnation

life over death

you, Jesus, over the world.

Some are obstetricians, others are pediatricians.

"Some are obstetricians, others are pediatricians." My mom and I were skyping the other night, and after a lengthy conversation, this was my mother's summary.

Some doctors help bring babies into the world, others, like pediatricians, care for them when they are children. There are doctors for adults, and even special doctors for elderly people. Doctors have specialties. They have a field with people that they feel comfortable with. That they are passionate about. That they love taking care of, healing, and interacting with.

This week I have been realizing that this is how it is in God's house. There are those of us who are gifted with and have passion for evangelism, others who love helping new "baby" believers. Others of us are passionate about seeing "older" believers grow and deepen in their relationship with Christ.

It was he [Christ] who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up  until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. - Ephesians 4:11-13

It's pretty sweet that God gives us each unique gifts, passions, talents, and desires to create unity and reach the world. All of these things that Christ can call us to are "to prepare God's people for works of service" and for unity in the body. But not all of us are called to be prophets. Not all of us are called to be teachers. But we are all called to obedience, and in that obedience we get to live out who God created us to be.

So, what kind of doctor are you called to be?

"You have a traitor, there"

"'You have a traitor there, Aslan,' said the Witch. Of course everyone present knew that she meant Edmund. But Edmund had got past thinking about himself after all he’d been through and after the talk he’d had that morning. He just went on looking at Aslan. It didn’t seem to matter what the Witch said."

-C.S. Lewis, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe

I just finished this book... and out of the whole thing this is the part that stood out to me the most. It is right after Edmund is rescued from the White Witch and is back with Aslan and his siblings. The White Witch has requested an audience with Aslan to remind him of the Deep Magic, in which every traitor belongs to her and is her prey to kill.

Her words- "You have a traitor there, Aslan" are meant to cut, meant to shame. They are meant to make Edmund squirm and for Aslan and the rest of the good creatures to scorn Edmund. But that doesn't happen. Instead, Edmund just keeps his eyes focused on Aslan, so overtaken by the rescue and his conversation with Aslan afterwards. The Witch tried to shame him, tried to feed him lies about who he was, tried to bring up his past, but it didn't seem to matter. All that mattered to Edmund now was Aslan.

Sound like a familiar scenario? It does to me. I am Edmund! I am that traitor. For all the times that I have seen the movie or heard the story, I have always been the one to scorn Edmund, to shame him. How I hated him! How could he possibly betray Aslan, his siblings, and all things good all for a tin of Turkish Delight and empty promises of power? But I think the reason I hated him so was because I saw some of my own self in him. I saw that I am just as prone to betray, to turn my back on the wonderfulness that is Jesus and all that he has to offer, all for a cheap imitation, a pile of rubbish in comparison. But like Aslan, Jesus gave his life for me so that I could live, so that I could change, and so that I could become a true daughter of the king. And when I see that, it doesn't seem to matter what the Devil says.

Right Now

I know that Jesus loves me, chooses me, and takes delight in me, but I don't know that it is enough to cover me if others don't.

Jesus, sink your love in deep to me, so deep that all my people-pleasing is gone and all that remains is the knowledge of your love.

He's not safe, but He's good

Jesus is SO GOOD! He has been teaching me so much these last couple weeks, revealing Himself in big and little ways, constantly beside me, reminding me that He's got this. Reminding me of His goodness, His power, and most of all, His unimaginable love for me. I love that I get to live in this! That I get to experience His constant reminders. There's a quote about Aslan, the lion from "The Chronicles of Narnia" that I love... "He's not safe, but He's good." How true this is of my God. Over and over again He is good. He's not safe, He's not about getting my way or being comfortable. But HE IS GOOD.

This semester has been so weird. I'm just seven months from graduating, I think something like 20 weeks of school left in my undergrad career. And it's in these circumstances that I find Jesus changing me, repositioning me, and being Himself... being good. Right as anxiety begins to set in, He snatches it away and replaces it with wisdom and peace. Right as pride starts to creep up, He humbles me and shows me my smallness, my brokenness. And right as despair tries to take hold in my soul, He comes riding in, saving me from my flesh and once again declaring His goodness over me. As I look ahead into this next chapter in my life, all I can say is, He is good.

“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.”
― C.S. Lewis

Greater

This morning at Valleybrook was utterly refreshing. We had a time of praise as we studied Psalm 23 and then responded to God in worship. One of the songs we sang was "Greater" by New Life Worship. We've sang this song countless times before, and I even have it on a playlist on Grooveshark, but I've never really let it sink in until today. It's really quite  simple:

Find rest my soul
Confess you're weary
Surrender all
Embrace your healing

Pre-chorus:
I will cast my cares
For You have always cared

Chorus:
You are greater
Greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my rest is in
You are brighter
Breaking through the night
Lighting up my sight
I have seen my rest is in You

Find hope my soul
You know He's with you
My Savior God
Still I will praise You

Bridge:
His yoke is easy
His burden is light
I have decided
I'm gonna fix my eyes
On the perfecter the author of my faith
Jesus Christ

So simple, yet so profound. He IS greater. Greater than all my stress and worries and responsibilities at this busy time of the year. Greater than any of my fears. Greater than any of my mistakes and sins. But the thing that really hit me is the bridge. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. Do I really believe that? More and more I have been finding myself despairing. I have found myself giving into the stresses of life and getting overwhelmed. But as I sang out this morning, I am going to surrender all, embrace my healing, and cast my cares upon Him. I'm going to find rest and hope for my soul.  I have decided I'm going to fix my eyes on Him who is Greater.

Flow Blocker: Apathy

When we trust in Him we're free to say whatever needs to be said, bold to go wherever we need to go. - Ephesians 3:12

Gosh that's hard to remember. And even harder for me to live out. I know that God created me to be a fighter. To go after the things I know are right and true. To seek justice. To live with passion. To speak truth into situations. But sometimes that can be a really scary thing to do.

Because that means that I can't live under fear. And I can't live under apathy. Can I be real with you? Those are two of the biggest things I fight. Apathy hits me hard. Especially if I'm in the middle of something, if I've kind of gotten in the groove. And I think Satan tempts me with apathy because apathy is so opposite of who I'm created to be. The opposite of apathy is flow.

Flow is the mental state of operation in which a person in an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity (Wikipedia).

I want flow. I want to be fully immersed, involved, energized, and focused. I know that when I am enabled through the Holy Spirit's power to have flow in my life, I am much more effective in my activities, projects, and relationships. But I cannot be experiencing flow when I am giving into apathy. Apathy blocks me from living the life I know I am supposed to be living, the life I want to be living.

So now for a little dose of truth:

Truth: I get to be whoever God says I am and walk that out however I feel God is telling me to walk that out.

Truth: I cannot live out who God says I am by walking in apathy.

Truth: In order to be who God says I am, I cannot give into apathy, instead I need to be enabled by the Holy Spirit to experience flow in my life.

You might have noticed I kind of skipped over fear. Well, that's for another day. My soul can only take so much life-changing truth at once. :)

In Him

It's bedtime. But I can't seem to drag myself into bed quite yet. Because it has only been a few hours since I stumbled upon this beautiful verse.

For in Him we live and move and have our being.

Acts 17:28a

What could be more simple, straightforward, heart-moving as that? I just can't get over it. God has wrecked me with these simple 11 words. I know I have heard them before- most likely countless times. But this time I paid attention. This time, I heard the question behind the words- "Are you living, moving, and being in ME? Are you recklessly abandoned and completely reliant on ME alone?" As tears streak down my face and I realize that everything I have and do and am is in Him, I pray that there will be less of me and more of Him. That those words would always be on my lips- "less of me, more of YOU." 

A work in progress

"Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
 Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:18-19

I am in a constant state of being sanctified, changed, taught, and molded. Praise the Lord that He loves me too much to keep me where I am. Now, I just need to remember to not dwell on the former things and instead focus on what He is doing in my life now, how he is bringing forth a new thing.

Early Mornings

So last night was the first in a four-week series that will be happening this summer at VYC. It was sooo great to get to see everyone from youth group again and just be able to re-connect. And one of my favorite parts of the night is usually at the end, after all the plans and activities are over. It's when I get a little bit of face-to-face time with a girl or two. When I get to listen and talk and pray and just walk alongside them.

And last night was a particularly good conversation. Because normally when this young lady and I talk, we just end up kinda going in circles. It seems we are often going through the same things in our relationship with Christ, which is good, but can also be difficult. It's like we're both in a pit at the same time and can't get out or even see anything above... it would be so much more helpful if one of us was at the top of the pit offering a hand up! But that's not how it's been, so we normally just ask each other a lot of questions and don't come up with a whole lotta answers.

We've both been frustrated with how we live our lives vs. how we know how our lives could be. We've struggled through praying and being in the word with our short attention spans and constant distractions. We yearn for deep intimacy with Christ while striving to figure out how to get it. So last night I decided that I'd had enough of talking in circles and questions with no answers. I proposed one week of spending at least 2 hours with Jesus in the morning.

So this morning my alarm went off at 6 am. And wow am I not a morning person. So my first two hours went a little like this:

Do my Experiencing God study. Get distracted by my toenail. Clip it. Read the Bible. My finger hurts. What is that? A sliver? Oh... back to reading. I'm hungry. Ok let's journal now. Put the date... 7/11. OH! It's my friend's birthday. Well that's distracting. Text them to get it off my mind. Continue journaling. Wow I'm really hungry. Get a bagel from the fridge, toast it, and lather on some good ol' cream cheese. Back to Jesus. Attempt a "Pray for an Hour" little hand-out I have. 15 minutes later apparently my eyes think it's nap time. Shake myself awake, go to the bathroom to wash my face in hopes that will wake me up. Come back. Finish praying. DONE.

Wow. It was a little hectic to say the least. I find myself getting so distracted, and then getting frustrated with myself when I do! But then after all this, I had a bit of time after getting ready for work, so I read a bit of a "The Me I Want to Be" by John Ortberg... and it was talking about just that! Ortberg suggested that instead of getting frustrated, you use them as prayers!

 "I used to think of those kind of thoughts [distractions, worries, etc.] as obstacles to prayer, but I have come to think of them as prayers waiting to be offered. Maybe the reason they pop into my mind is not simply my short attention span, but rather what my mind is really concerned about. Instead of trying to suppress these thoughts, it is better to begin to talk to God about them."

So I will be applying this new-found theory to my date with Jesus tomorrow. And I will also will be going to bed earlier.

Scary Edge

Sometimes I wish God used e-mail. Then I could just sign in, and *ding* "You have one new calling from God."

But unfortunately (or more likely, fortunately, since God knows better than me) that's not the way it works. Because God asks us to trust Him. And  sometimes God asks us to take a chance, or "take a leap of faith." I really hate using cliché terms. But I think this one is so overused because it actually makes sense.

Last week at church Pastor Grant talked about how often God takes us to the scary edge, in order to heal the fear inside of us. By going to the scary edge with God, we are forced to rely on Him and to trust Him. And then, in ordinary God-fashion, he provides, he protects, he preserves. And that fear that we had is healed. Or maybe just lessened. After all, we are humans, and sometimes it takes more than just one time for us to learn something. :)

So even though I would love for God to tell me every single step of my life, even though I would love for Him to reveal all His plans, sometimes I just have to leap. Sometimes I have to go into something, not knowing the outcome, or not even knowing if it's exactly what God wants of me, because I do know that God wants me to trust Him. And as long as I'm trusting Him and am really desiring and aiming to obey him, He will, in ordinary God-fashion provide, protect, and preserve. And maybe, just maybe, some of that fear inside of me will be healed.

Holy Counterculture

"Let's be a holy counterculture."

-Shane Claiborne

A counterculture is a cultural group that runs counter to those in the social mainstream. To those in the world. But living as a holy counterculture is a choice we have to make.

Being a part of a counterculture isn't an easy thing. We get ridiculed, questioned, and looked down upon. Our plans are seen as impractical. Because our plans are formed by a God who isn't limited by human practicality. We get to be divine troublemakers, just like Jesus. We fight for the poor, the hungry, the sick. We become a part of God's redemptive plan for the world. We do things because it's what we were made for. We find our identity in our Father. We remember who we are. We realize that our view of God is one of the most important things about us. So we search after that. We seek Christ with all we are. We are empowered to live a holy life because of God's grace. We live by the spirit by understanding who we are. By learning how God views us. We have discipline in the ordinary, day-to-day life so that we can have courage in the extraordinary days. We seek out God's dream for our lives. We ask God what He wants us to do, then we join Him on His mission.

Living as a holy counterculture is not normal. It's not our flesh's first desire. It's not easy when others aren't doing the same. But that's why it's a counterculture. That's what Jesus has called us to. It's a lot of obedience, but also a lot of intimacy. Intimacy with our Savior, our Creator. And when I remember that the God of Ages delights in me, oh it just becomes so much clearer. It becomes a relationship, a precious calling, rather than a bunch of rules. It becomes a privilege, not an obligation. It becomes my desire.

Let's be a holy counterculture.

[These are just some of the ideas I took away from Desperation Conference]

I'm Baaaack.

I'm back! In my empty dorm room. Which is kind of an anti-climactic way to return home. But nonetheless, I am home. For those of you who didn't catch that I was missing for the last week, I was at Desperation Conference in Colorado Springs, CO. There I got to "sing til my lungs gave out" (as a t-shirt I got states) with the Desperation band, sing along with Cory Asbury to my favorite worship song at the moment, Where I Belong, and belt out Revelation Song with Kari Jobe. I got to learn about poverty and God's dream for the world and courage and the cross and the creativity God has given me from speakers such as Shane Claiborne and David Perkins. But more than the phenomenal worship and great speakers, I got to know God a little bit better. I got a spark of passion for what He's doing in the world and how I can join Him in it. I was given a burning desire to experience greater intimacy with my Savior. I left hungry. And I also left exhausted. In a very good way. So now it is time for some sleep, and rest assured there will be more to come in the next few days!

Heather Who? Part II

So I wrote a post awhile back about old Heather and new Heather. And it seems that this needs to be re-visited.

Because apparently new Heather comes out to play only when she feels comfortable to do so. In big groups, old Heather stifles new Heather. She doesn't let her talk. She gives into torment. She believes that she doesn't have anything to offer. I've realized that nearing the end of this last semester, old Heather was doing this more and more frequently. Overpowering new Heather. Sure, new Heather would come out at Valleybrook, VYC, and Navs, but she was letting old Heather get the best of her when it came time for school, work, or RAing. I didn't realize until a conversation I had yesterday that because of the way I was living out those areas of my life, I was really letting old Heather live them out.

I would see the mandatory, more mundane activities of life and label them as less important than the things that I am passionate about. But really, God wants my best in everything, He wants new Heather, real Heather, Heather He created me to be, to flourish in every aspect of my life, not just the things I'm passionate about. He wants me to be who I was created to be at school, work, and as an RA. He wants the same passion and drive that I put into my "more important" activities to be the same for those activities that I deem less important. Because the truth of the situation is that He has put me here. He has put me in school, as an RA, and at work to be who He created me to be to all the people I come in contact with.

God wants me to be someone very specific. And I know some of that picture. Not the whole thing. He is always revealing more of who he wants me to be. And my part in this is just to obey. To say "yes" to Jesus when he gives the simple call- "Follow me."

Are there areas of your life that you deem less important, and thus aren't living out who you are meant to be?

Soulcare

So I don't know about you, but I'm weird. I have a different way of relating, a different way of learning, growing, and seeking than anyone else I know. Which is really exciting. Because it means I get to relate to, learn from, grow with, and seek God in a way that is entirely my own. I get to experiment with how I connect with God. How I hear from Him. How I respond in worship to Him.

It means I don't have to stick to a strict formula. I don't have to do x, y, and z for so many a minutes a day in order to grow closer to my God. I get to do what works for me, what draws me close to Him, what feeds my soul. I get to try on new and different approaches to relating to God, because honestly I have been following a formula for far to long. It means I get to make mistakes in the whole process, changing and adapting as I find the things that work for me. I get to let go of all my expectations that I have for my relationship with God and just explore.

Seeking

Seeking God is hard. I'm not very good at it, especially for specific things. My mind is wild. All the time. There's like a hundred and ten things going on in there at once. My attention span is the same length as a 5-year-old boy's in a Catholic mass. My ability to sit still is even worse. So when it comes to being still and knowing God is God, there are some issues. I like to fill the silence. I like to blabber. I like to repeat myself, if it means that I won't have to do nothing. These lyrics sum it up pretty good:

I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time

-Addison Road, What do I Know of Holy?

 I think it might be time for a little vacation with God. Or at least some extended time to be still and rest and seek Him. At least enough time to stop talking. Stop planning. Stop being overwhelmed by the one hundred and ten things going on in my brain.